Half term and feeling fragile

OK, I've been on suicide watch again this weekend so I'm feeling fragile.
And I have a blind date on Thursday, so my heart is racing, and not just
with fear.
But most importantly it is half term and I want my son to do stuff he'll
enjoy and not just waste it on his Mac.
So today, I'm going to phone his school-pal's mom and arrange a play date.
And then I'm going to take him to Ecclesall Woods for a walk through the
leaves.
OK, the thought has sent my heart racing.
Right.
It's not far.
5 minute drive.
I'll take 6mg at...
...oh I forgot - he might be at his dad's till 4.
I'll phone his dad and ask for him back at 2pm.
At 2pm I'll take 6 mg
At half two we'll drive to the woods and park and walk for 20 minutes and
come home.
Easy.
Back by 3pm
Then we'll bake a cake together.
This morning I'll buy eggs. And for tea we'll have macaroni cheese with
poached pears for pudding. Buy cheese, milk and pears.
This morning I'll work.
Dare I drink coffee? I've been sleeping so little of late, I think I'll need
it to think straight.
Phone ex
Buy 4 things
Phone school mom
Work
Have lunch
I'll tell you how I did later

Jesus, what an evening...

...suicidal ex sobbing on the sofa before coming in for the soup course,
child throwing tantrum over homework, step-mom issuing forth on "how to
raise a child properly" and still dinner to be served.

And there's no one to confide this to but you.

I am going to go and sleep the long sleep of the blessed. As Anne of Green
Gables would say, "tomorrow is another day without any mistakes in it".

Just to keep in the habit

Yesterday I phoned my ex at 8 am to ask him to do the school run. I just
didn't want to face another day of it.

The goal I'd set myself was to go to a "presentation" at son's school for an
hour before pick up time.

The fact that a colleague had sent me a picture of her and her fiancé
beaming with happiness and love on their trip to the Rockies had pretty much
destroyed me before lunch. I was utterly overwhelmed my my own loneliness
and unhappiness and utterly gave in to pure self-pity, even using the words
"why doesn't anybody love ME?" at one time. I almost went to eat worms.

So I went to the "presentation" because I thought it was going to be some
sort of assembly and I wanted my son to see me there, smiling and supportive,
because he'd had a meltdown over breakfast when he couldn't do his tie by
himself (did I mention I suspect he has aspergers?).

The presentation actually turned out to be a seminar on teaching your kids
to read. 20 adults in a small classroom. OMG nightmare. Right back to double
Greek on a Friday afternoon and the horrors I went through at 15 years old.
Well no THAT bad, but not happy. The subject didn't interest me in the
slightest because my son has an extremely visual memory and taught himself
to read just by looking at and remembering the words from the storybooks we
read him. (we were very proud at the time. Not so proud now I realise it was
merely a 'symptom')

So I sat in the cramped dark classroom feeling 6/10, with it not getting any
better for the 3/4 of an hour I managed to sit there because I knew the
school pickup would be straight after - no running home once they turned up
the lights - I'd have to go straight into mother-mode.

I left 5 minutes before the end. Drove round the block. Bought a packet of
crisps then went to pick up son.

The one good thing was that by the time I picked up my son not a glimmer of
panic remained and I got some interesting info from another mum at the gates
on how she got her kid into the local Good School.

PS The day before I was cooking dinner for a friend and needed to get lamb.
Stopped at the butchers on the way home from the school run, but he'd run
out so, with son in tow, we went straight to Sainsburys and shopped for a
good 20 minutes without the panic even passing 3/10.

What can we conclude from completely different outcomes on two consecutive days?
A positive, confident happy state of mind is the best defence against panic
that I have?
How shall I manage to remain in such a state?
Be kind to myself.
Come on, Me. You're doing brilliantly. You are a lovely human being.

Thursday

Dear God I was up in the night with horrific period pain! Felt awful, was
trembling as I rummaged through the house for painkillers at 4 am.

So I surprised myself when I woke at 7.30 ready to face the school run.

It was less scary that yesterday - 6/10 rather than 8/10. But that was on 6
mg rather that 10. So big improvement.

I do wonder why one week the school run is a breeze and the next it's hell.
This is a hell week. PMT? Period? Who knows?

But I used the "So what" tactic to stop the panic spiralling over breakfast
and I really did feel To Hell With It. SO WHAT if I panic, so what if I
throw up, so what if I have an uncontrollable urge to use the bathroom -
there are worse things in life. All I have to do is concentrate on driving
carefully so I get myself and my son to school safely. The rest is
irrelevant.

So remember - replace every "What if?" thought with "So what?"

Failure then Success

I totally bailed on Monday. Didn't achieve my goals. Started feeling under
the weather - weary and sick in the afternoon and phone ex to pick son up
from school. Didn't do post office, didn't do tennis. It could be PMT, a
virus or just backlash from last weeks success. I often wonder if there is a
subconscious in there fighting back - coming up with ways to keep me where I
am instead of moving forward. It's hard to believe. I guess I am comfortable
where I am - getting everyone else to do my stuff. But I am going to grow
old and die alone if I carry on along this path. I really need to change to
avoid that outcome.
So we'll follow the evidence as I progress and see if backlashes always
follow success which would suggest there is a fifth column somewhere inside
trying to undermine the State of the Unknown Woman :)
This morning I woke, nauseous, horrified at the thought of the school run
after dodging it since Monday - had me ex do it yesterday.
I leaned rather heavily on diaz - 10 mg altogether, but the panic was pretty
strong, 7/10 and heading upward. I managed a little yoga in the kitchen
while I waited for the clock to strike the Leaving Hour and then threw in
some self talk taking the "what the hell" approach.
It was actually a relief when we were on the way with the anxiety subsiding
pretty quickly as I drove up the hill so that even getting stuck behind a
bus didn't faze me.
I even stopped for petrol on the way home.
Let's hope I'm back in the saddle.
Son is going home to a friend's house for the first time in his new school.
Someone on the posh side of town. I need to phone the mother and discuss the
pick up time and then decide whether I'm going to do it or to send my ex.
Aside from that I have no plans for the day. I really do feel exhausted.
Might just concentrate on getting chapter one finished. That may ease my
sense of doom.

Monday Morning

I'm afraid the blues are still dogging me, so don't expect jollity. Instead
I'll keep this brief. It's the least I can do.

First, I did go to the café on Friday but it was not easy. Not sure how it
was different. I was dressed up, looking gorgeous, felt like I stood out too
much. Café was busier. I simply felt emotional after the coffee debacle in
the morning and also worrying about my son.

I didn't go to the gym this morning, just through sheer tiredness - a bad
night's sleep - too much wine again. Will cut down this week. Sleep I find
is crucial to my sense of wellbeing.

I fulfilled all my duties this weekend. Took son to tennis lesson Saturday
and hung around and played a game myself, then took son local grocery
shopping. Slight 4/10 in the minimart, but I shrugged it off with a bit of
positive self talk as I did with the 6/10 I had this morning when I set off
on the school run.

Self talk is really very effective at stopping panic spiralling. Key
phrases:
"You're going to be fine"
"It doesn't matter if you throw up/faint/fail to get there"
"Bring it on, Fear! Do you worst! I can stand it!"

Sunday I made it through a School Fun Day with son and ex. I think I only
accidentally destroyed my ex once by talking too much/saying the wrong
thing. I can't believe I'm thinking about getting back with this man. Every
thought I have or word I utter seems to sound to him like total
wrong-headedness or pure venom. The number of times I tell him how I feel
and he tells me I'm wrong for feeling that way. None of what I say to him is
meant as fiercely as he takes it - I just say what's going through my head.
I'm very much a stream-of-consciousness being. I really need to learn to
filter and edit before I open my mouth. Perhaps this is something I should
work on. Too often I say too much and listen too little.

This week will be dedicated to listening rather than talking.

So goal for the day.
2.45 4mgs
3.15 pm post office
6-7 pm tennis club - ladies practise session.
(which means buying carrots and onions and baking potatoes on the way to the
PO for an easy tea)

Floundering

I have to admit I'm floundering today.
Went to gym, friend had asked me to meet her for coffee. She forgot. Only
turned up after I phoned to remind her, then she was 20 minutes late, and
then asked me to buy her a coffee. We get the friends we deserve. Clearly
I've be acting like a doormat for too long.
Yesterday I set no challenge and met no challenge. Son was on school trip.
This unnerves me to begin with. Then phone call from school 10 minutes
before bus due to leave - son feeling sick. I know him well enough to
realise this is him having an anxiety rush. Told school this is what it was
and let them take him anyway. This was torture for me. Knowing what he was
going through was more hellish than I can describe. But it was the right
decision. His teacher phoned from the bus 40 mins later to say he was
smiling and bouncing up and down. He arrived home from the trip having
thoroughly enjoyed himself. I felt awful that my horrors are to be visited
on my child. Wanted to die. Still want to die actually.
Let's try and look at this objectively. This week I've done more brave
things than I've done in the last 6 months so when my son showed signs of
the wobbles I had the courage to let him go through it. I did not avoid all
week and it gave me the strength to not let my son avoid. Yes, it's sad that
we have to experience anxiety, but in the long run putting myself and him
through it will make us stronger and defeat this monster rather than let it
rule our lives.
Today's task. Write a chapter and then take it to café 9 for corrections.
4mg at 1.30pm
Leave at 2pm
Buy chicken from butchers
Pop into minimart and get cream and bread.
Go to café and order camomile tea and read the 3000 words I'm about to
write.
Pick son up from school at 3.30
Will report back.

Fairly tough

OK, this was not an easy one.
I followed the plan to the letter, but as I drove there I hadn't realised
how far and how unfamiliar the place I was going to was.
First. I'm glad I went. It is a fabulous school and would be a fabulous
opportunity for the child. And no school fees if we can swing a place for
him which would let me off the hook 10k's worth pa, which might take a bit
of pressure off me when it comes to breadwinning.
But as I got close and started to feel lost, the anxiety built from 4/10 to
6/10 and when I turned into the school gates and headed through the crowds
of parents to the car park it spiralled to 9/10. I even got that strange
pinching sensation in my brain that feels like a aneurism (not that dying
has ever scared me when it comes to panic. As far as I'm concerned, dying
would be an easy get-out - no need for the time-consuming drive back home to
safety - instant exit)
So I'm heading for the car park feeling that I'll just turn round and head
home. But after coming so far, how could I?
One step at a time. Park the car, then see.
Told myself the drive home would take no time and the panic would subside as
soon as I reached the exit. Told myself I'd be fine. Looked at the map just
to be sure of the route home if I decided to take it.
Son and ex caught sight of me.
Next step. Get out of the car. Meet son. Walk to the edge of the car park.
Anxiety subsiding. To 8/10. Keep walking. Chat gaily to son and ex. Warn
them I might leave but keep walking. Anxiety subsiding. Look around first
building. So impressed with school. So keen for son to come here. Anxiety
subsiding. 5/10. Keep looking. Spend 40 minutes there till anxiety 2/10 and
the drive home not a mad dash but the easy commute of a non-loon.
Damn I'm good.
I can still do it when I have to.
Tomorrow's challenge will not be so great but there will be a challenge. I
shall think up something to keep up momentum.
Car breezed through it's MOT btw.

More success

OK. I did it all yesterday. Even the open evening at prospective school.
That was at least half a mile beyond my comfort zone AND I got lost on the
way. But I had a map printed and just turned around and tried again. Only a
faint glimmer of fear (veering toward 5/10 for a few seconds, told myself I
could leave any time I liked, ebbed to 2/10) made it through the 6 mg of
diazepam and glass of red wine, but that is miraculous. When the terror
really kicks, diazepam is like a ballerina trying to hold down King Kong.

So today, I meant to be straying 1 mile beyond my comfort zone to another
open evening at another prospective school. This is way beyond where I've
strayed before and this time the child will be with me and not my ex.

How can we make this doable?

Well, I've already dropped my car off for it's MOT today - something I've
always let my ex do before, so clearly I'm not totally useless.

Perhaps I should suggest the child goes with the ex and I'll meet them
there?

Doesn't sound madly unreasonable. Would take some of the performance anxiety
out of the whole thing and just because I do 80% of the child care, doesn't
mean I'm failing if I let my ex take the strain once in a while.

So

Phone ex. Ask him to pick child up at 5.20.
Give them a 5 minute head start to gather my courage and meet them at the
school.

I'll let you know how I get on.

Big Day

I feel so tired at the stuff I have to do today.
Yoga at the gym in 5 minutes
Work at after school club
Open evening at prospective school for son
Woke up with racing heart again last night.
Depressed by how happy everyone else seems to be
I'll let you know how I get on
Should be writing, but done sweet FA - messed about on the internet instead.
I'm such a bloody timewaster. The mortgage needs paying and I can't get down
to work. Go figure!

Success

Followed plan to the letter. Indeed, the cheese shop was shut so I went for
the first time into the minimart near café 9 and browsed and bought cheese
and butter there. I sat for nearly an hour over my camomile tea working on
my rewrites. Despite the noise of music and bustle it wasn't too hard to
concentrate there, indeed being out and about lifted the gloom.
Anxiety didn't top 2/10 the whole adventure and I went straight to pick up
the child from school with not a glimmer of unease - this afternoon school
pick-up can really freak me out because it's such a high-pressure,
must-be-there gig.
Sadly child was in grumpy and reproachful mood and quite took the air out of
my sails. I wonder if I'm repeating the same dynamic with him that I did
with his father.
I don't think I get on well with people. I've been kidding myself these past
years.
Gloom, despite a day of nothing but triumphs.
Damn.

Monday Morning

The alarm woke me, 6/10 panic hit immediately. A few drops of Dr Bach before
I woke the boy. 4 mg of diazepam while I got dressed had me ready for the
school run and gym by 8.30.

That portion of the day is done. Now for something out of the ordinary:

Today's plan:
11am-1pm Write
1 pm Lunch
1.15 4 mg diaz
Rewrite and print out
1.45 drive 1 mile to cheese shop for gouda and butter. Stop at post office.
Go and have cup of camomile tea at café 9 and work on rewrites there.
3.30 school run.

I did it

I followed the plan to the letter and went.
Fabulous.
Anxiety didn't top 3/10 despite throngs of people. I lingered at every
stall, made several purchases, bumped into a friend and chatted in the
street for 10 minutes.
I even, in my mild euphoria, phoned my ex and suggested he bring our son
down (of course, though I waited 15 minutes, they hadn't even left the flat
by the second time I phoned to tell them I was going home. Why do I ever
expect moral support or even mild encouragement from my ex? He didn't do it
while I was cooking, cleaning and apologising to him; why should he when
kicked him out of the family home?)
Apart from that reminder that single life IS an improvement, I'm glad I
went. I feel less isolated and disempowered.
I didn't realise there were so many people who looked and shopped like me in
this part of the city. It was the hub of middle-aged hippydom this afternoon
and I was part of it, mingling alone in the crowd with only the mildest
apprehension.
Reward: chocolate torte for tea and Tess of the D'Urbervilles with a large
glass of red after my son is tucked up for the night. Heaven.

Tesco Express

Just been on 1 mile round trip to Tesco Express in the car to buy Independent on Sunday. No diazapam (though had pack ready in my pocket) 1/10 throughout, no fluctuation while waiting for woman ahead of me in queue dawldling over pin number, or for gap in traffic to pull out. Considered pulling into Tesco proper on way home but didn't trust my heart not to race and didn't want to spoil a good thing.

5 minute drive to farmers market

Today I'm going to make the 1 mile - 5 minute drive to a farmers market in the area of town where on good days I shop, stop for coffee. There is a market there 4 times a year. I expect it will be crowded. I will take 6 mg of diazapam half an hour before I set out.
If the car breaks down I can walk home. It is a nice walk and a suunny day.
If I am taken ill while I am there, there is a pub and two cafes where I can use the loo.
I feel just fine now (4/10 on anxiety scale) but not physically ill.
I will take the diazapam at 12 pm
I shall leave at 12.30 pm
I shall arrange for child care so I can do it alone which will be easier.