I'll keep this brief. It's the least I can do.
First, I did go to the café on Friday but it was not easy. Not sure how it
was different. I was dressed up, looking gorgeous, felt like I stood out too
much. Café was busier. I simply felt emotional after the coffee debacle in
the morning and also worrying about my son.
I didn't go to the gym this morning, just through sheer tiredness - a bad
night's sleep - too much wine again. Will cut down this week. Sleep I find
is crucial to my sense of wellbeing.
I fulfilled all my duties this weekend. Took son to tennis lesson Saturday
and hung around and played a game myself, then took son local grocery
shopping. Slight 4/10 in the minimart, but I shrugged it off with a bit of
positive self talk as I did with the 6/10 I had this morning when I set off
on the school run.
Self talk is really very effective at stopping panic spiralling. Key
phrases:
"You're going to be fine"
"It doesn't matter if you throw up/faint/fail to get there"
"Bring it on, Fear! Do you worst! I can stand it!"
Sunday I made it through a School Fun Day with son and ex. I think I only
accidentally destroyed my ex once by talking too much/saying the wrong
thing. I can't believe I'm thinking about getting back with this man. Every
thought I have or word I utter seems to sound to him like total
wrong-headedness or pure venom. The number of times I tell him how I feel
and he tells me I'm wrong for feeling that way. None of what I say to him is
meant as fiercely as he takes it - I just say what's going through my head.
I'm very much a stream-of-consciousness being. I really need to learn to
filter and edit before I open my mouth. Perhaps this is something I should
work on. Too often I say too much and listen too little.
This week will be dedicated to listening rather than talking.
So goal for the day.
2.45 4mgs
3.15 pm post office
6-7 pm tennis club - ladies practise session.
(which means buying carrots and onions and baking potatoes on the way to the
PO for an easy tea)
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