Floundering

I have to admit I'm floundering today.
Went to gym, friend had asked me to meet her for coffee. She forgot. Only
turned up after I phoned to remind her, then she was 20 minutes late, and
then asked me to buy her a coffee. We get the friends we deserve. Clearly
I've be acting like a doormat for too long.
Yesterday I set no challenge and met no challenge. Son was on school trip.
This unnerves me to begin with. Then phone call from school 10 minutes
before bus due to leave - son feeling sick. I know him well enough to
realise this is him having an anxiety rush. Told school this is what it was
and let them take him anyway. This was torture for me. Knowing what he was
going through was more hellish than I can describe. But it was the right
decision. His teacher phoned from the bus 40 mins later to say he was
smiling and bouncing up and down. He arrived home from the trip having
thoroughly enjoyed himself. I felt awful that my horrors are to be visited
on my child. Wanted to die. Still want to die actually.
Let's try and look at this objectively. This week I've done more brave
things than I've done in the last 6 months so when my son showed signs of
the wobbles I had the courage to let him go through it. I did not avoid all
week and it gave me the strength to not let my son avoid. Yes, it's sad that
we have to experience anxiety, but in the long run putting myself and him
through it will make us stronger and defeat this monster rather than let it
rule our lives.
Today's task. Write a chapter and then take it to café 9 for corrections.
4mg at 1.30pm
Leave at 2pm
Buy chicken from butchers
Pop into minimart and get cream and bread.
Go to café and order camomile tea and read the 3000 words I'm about to
write.
Pick son up from school at 3.30
Will report back.