Just to keep in the habit

Yesterday I phoned my ex at 8 am to ask him to do the school run. I just
didn't want to face another day of it.

The goal I'd set myself was to go to a "presentation" at son's school for an
hour before pick up time.

The fact that a colleague had sent me a picture of her and her fiancé
beaming with happiness and love on their trip to the Rockies had pretty much
destroyed me before lunch. I was utterly overwhelmed my my own loneliness
and unhappiness and utterly gave in to pure self-pity, even using the words
"why doesn't anybody love ME?" at one time. I almost went to eat worms.

So I went to the "presentation" because I thought it was going to be some
sort of assembly and I wanted my son to see me there, smiling and supportive,
because he'd had a meltdown over breakfast when he couldn't do his tie by
himself (did I mention I suspect he has aspergers?).

The presentation actually turned out to be a seminar on teaching your kids
to read. 20 adults in a small classroom. OMG nightmare. Right back to double
Greek on a Friday afternoon and the horrors I went through at 15 years old.
Well no THAT bad, but not happy. The subject didn't interest me in the
slightest because my son has an extremely visual memory and taught himself
to read just by looking at and remembering the words from the storybooks we
read him. (we were very proud at the time. Not so proud now I realise it was
merely a 'symptom')

So I sat in the cramped dark classroom feeling 6/10, with it not getting any
better for the 3/4 of an hour I managed to sit there because I knew the
school pickup would be straight after - no running home once they turned up
the lights - I'd have to go straight into mother-mode.

I left 5 minutes before the end. Drove round the block. Bought a packet of
crisps then went to pick up son.

The one good thing was that by the time I picked up my son not a glimmer of
panic remained and I got some interesting info from another mum at the gates
on how she got her kid into the local Good School.

PS The day before I was cooking dinner for a friend and needed to get lamb.
Stopped at the butchers on the way home from the school run, but he'd run
out so, with son in tow, we went straight to Sainsburys and shopped for a
good 20 minutes without the panic even passing 3/10.

What can we conclude from completely different outcomes on two consecutive days?
A positive, confident happy state of mind is the best defence against panic
that I have?
How shall I manage to remain in such a state?
Be kind to myself.
Come on, Me. You're doing brilliantly. You are a lovely human being.