Dear God, It's 2011

Another 3 Years wasted.
And I've stopped trying.
I mean, I've conquered Tesco. Sainsbury's is still a challenge.
But I've not tried anywhere else in months.
I'm deferring until:
I've made current work deadlines
I have a new car
The summer hols
ummmm
any number of reasons.
I've put my life on hold.
That date I mentioned a couple of years ago.
He moved in.
Turned out to be an alcoholic with sociopathic tendencies.
He moved out. (That was a scary day. He did not want to go. He said he'd made a commitment to me. I'd never even asked him to move in. He just did. Like a steamroller)
Whatever. That was a couple of years back now and apart from the occasional drunken email from him, he's history (I hope)
But I'm kind of stalled. Can't move forward, can't move back. Waiting for my son to grown up so I can breathe again.
I know I should live NOW and not defer but I'm overwhelmed by people and work and being a mother. My life gets interrupted by a phone call/visit, on average every 1 hour and 12 minutes.
I'm waiting for a long enough space between people to concentrate on myself.
I wish everyone would go away and leave me alone.

Half term and feeling fragile

OK, I've been on suicide watch again this weekend so I'm feeling fragile.
And I have a blind date on Thursday, so my heart is racing, and not just
with fear.
But most importantly it is half term and I want my son to do stuff he'll
enjoy and not just waste it on his Mac.
So today, I'm going to phone his school-pal's mom and arrange a play date.
And then I'm going to take him to Ecclesall Woods for a walk through the
leaves.
OK, the thought has sent my heart racing.
Right.
It's not far.
5 minute drive.
I'll take 6mg at...
...oh I forgot - he might be at his dad's till 4.
I'll phone his dad and ask for him back at 2pm.
At 2pm I'll take 6 mg
At half two we'll drive to the woods and park and walk for 20 minutes and
come home.
Easy.
Back by 3pm
Then we'll bake a cake together.
This morning I'll buy eggs. And for tea we'll have macaroni cheese with
poached pears for pudding. Buy cheese, milk and pears.
This morning I'll work.
Dare I drink coffee? I've been sleeping so little of late, I think I'll need
it to think straight.
Phone ex
Buy 4 things
Phone school mom
Work
Have lunch
I'll tell you how I did later

Jesus, what an evening...

...suicidal ex sobbing on the sofa before coming in for the soup course,
child throwing tantrum over homework, step-mom issuing forth on "how to
raise a child properly" and still dinner to be served.

And there's no one to confide this to but you.

I am going to go and sleep the long sleep of the blessed. As Anne of Green
Gables would say, "tomorrow is another day without any mistakes in it".

Just to keep in the habit

Yesterday I phoned my ex at 8 am to ask him to do the school run. I just
didn't want to face another day of it.

The goal I'd set myself was to go to a "presentation" at son's school for an
hour before pick up time.

The fact that a colleague had sent me a picture of her and her fiancé
beaming with happiness and love on their trip to the Rockies had pretty much
destroyed me before lunch. I was utterly overwhelmed my my own loneliness
and unhappiness and utterly gave in to pure self-pity, even using the words
"why doesn't anybody love ME?" at one time. I almost went to eat worms.

So I went to the "presentation" because I thought it was going to be some
sort of assembly and I wanted my son to see me there, smiling and supportive,
because he'd had a meltdown over breakfast when he couldn't do his tie by
himself (did I mention I suspect he has aspergers?).

The presentation actually turned out to be a seminar on teaching your kids
to read. 20 adults in a small classroom. OMG nightmare. Right back to double
Greek on a Friday afternoon and the horrors I went through at 15 years old.
Well no THAT bad, but not happy. The subject didn't interest me in the
slightest because my son has an extremely visual memory and taught himself
to read just by looking at and remembering the words from the storybooks we
read him. (we were very proud at the time. Not so proud now I realise it was
merely a 'symptom')

So I sat in the cramped dark classroom feeling 6/10, with it not getting any
better for the 3/4 of an hour I managed to sit there because I knew the
school pickup would be straight after - no running home once they turned up
the lights - I'd have to go straight into mother-mode.

I left 5 minutes before the end. Drove round the block. Bought a packet of
crisps then went to pick up son.

The one good thing was that by the time I picked up my son not a glimmer of
panic remained and I got some interesting info from another mum at the gates
on how she got her kid into the local Good School.

PS The day before I was cooking dinner for a friend and needed to get lamb.
Stopped at the butchers on the way home from the school run, but he'd run
out so, with son in tow, we went straight to Sainsburys and shopped for a
good 20 minutes without the panic even passing 3/10.

What can we conclude from completely different outcomes on two consecutive days?
A positive, confident happy state of mind is the best defence against panic
that I have?
How shall I manage to remain in such a state?
Be kind to myself.
Come on, Me. You're doing brilliantly. You are a lovely human being.

Thursday

Dear God I was up in the night with horrific period pain! Felt awful, was
trembling as I rummaged through the house for painkillers at 4 am.

So I surprised myself when I woke at 7.30 ready to face the school run.

It was less scary that yesterday - 6/10 rather than 8/10. But that was on 6
mg rather that 10. So big improvement.

I do wonder why one week the school run is a breeze and the next it's hell.
This is a hell week. PMT? Period? Who knows?

But I used the "So what" tactic to stop the panic spiralling over breakfast
and I really did feel To Hell With It. SO WHAT if I panic, so what if I
throw up, so what if I have an uncontrollable urge to use the bathroom -
there are worse things in life. All I have to do is concentrate on driving
carefully so I get myself and my son to school safely. The rest is
irrelevant.

So remember - replace every "What if?" thought with "So what?"

Failure then Success

I totally bailed on Monday. Didn't achieve my goals. Started feeling under
the weather - weary and sick in the afternoon and phone ex to pick son up
from school. Didn't do post office, didn't do tennis. It could be PMT, a
virus or just backlash from last weeks success. I often wonder if there is a
subconscious in there fighting back - coming up with ways to keep me where I
am instead of moving forward. It's hard to believe. I guess I am comfortable
where I am - getting everyone else to do my stuff. But I am going to grow
old and die alone if I carry on along this path. I really need to change to
avoid that outcome.
So we'll follow the evidence as I progress and see if backlashes always
follow success which would suggest there is a fifth column somewhere inside
trying to undermine the State of the Unknown Woman :)
This morning I woke, nauseous, horrified at the thought of the school run
after dodging it since Monday - had me ex do it yesterday.
I leaned rather heavily on diaz - 10 mg altogether, but the panic was pretty
strong, 7/10 and heading upward. I managed a little yoga in the kitchen
while I waited for the clock to strike the Leaving Hour and then threw in
some self talk taking the "what the hell" approach.
It was actually a relief when we were on the way with the anxiety subsiding
pretty quickly as I drove up the hill so that even getting stuck behind a
bus didn't faze me.
I even stopped for petrol on the way home.
Let's hope I'm back in the saddle.
Son is going home to a friend's house for the first time in his new school.
Someone on the posh side of town. I need to phone the mother and discuss the
pick up time and then decide whether I'm going to do it or to send my ex.
Aside from that I have no plans for the day. I really do feel exhausted.
Might just concentrate on getting chapter one finished. That may ease my
sense of doom.

Monday Morning

I'm afraid the blues are still dogging me, so don't expect jollity. Instead
I'll keep this brief. It's the least I can do.

First, I did go to the café on Friday but it was not easy. Not sure how it
was different. I was dressed up, looking gorgeous, felt like I stood out too
much. Café was busier. I simply felt emotional after the coffee debacle in
the morning and also worrying about my son.

I didn't go to the gym this morning, just through sheer tiredness - a bad
night's sleep - too much wine again. Will cut down this week. Sleep I find
is crucial to my sense of wellbeing.

I fulfilled all my duties this weekend. Took son to tennis lesson Saturday
and hung around and played a game myself, then took son local grocery
shopping. Slight 4/10 in the minimart, but I shrugged it off with a bit of
positive self talk as I did with the 6/10 I had this morning when I set off
on the school run.

Self talk is really very effective at stopping panic spiralling. Key
phrases:
"You're going to be fine"
"It doesn't matter if you throw up/faint/fail to get there"
"Bring it on, Fear! Do you worst! I can stand it!"

Sunday I made it through a School Fun Day with son and ex. I think I only
accidentally destroyed my ex once by talking too much/saying the wrong
thing. I can't believe I'm thinking about getting back with this man. Every
thought I have or word I utter seems to sound to him like total
wrong-headedness or pure venom. The number of times I tell him how I feel
and he tells me I'm wrong for feeling that way. None of what I say to him is
meant as fiercely as he takes it - I just say what's going through my head.
I'm very much a stream-of-consciousness being. I really need to learn to
filter and edit before I open my mouth. Perhaps this is something I should
work on. Too often I say too much and listen too little.

This week will be dedicated to listening rather than talking.

So goal for the day.
2.45 4mgs
3.15 pm post office
6-7 pm tennis club - ladies practise session.
(which means buying carrots and onions and baking potatoes on the way to the
PO for an easy tea)